Song of Moses
Deuteronomy 31:19 to 34:10
31:19 Moses called the tribal leaders together and taught them a catchy song that he had written for them.
The song didn't really touch on anything new, it was mostly just what was awesome and what sucked about dealing with Yahweh.
32:1
Listen-up in the north,
And listen in the south,
Everybody listen-up to what
Is coming from my mouth.
My words are like the rain,
Or a bucket full of dew.
You better close your eyes
'Cause I am dumping it on you.
32:4
I know that God is perfect,
I know that God he rocks.
I wandered forty years
In the same pair of socks.
God says to beat your children,
God says to kill a witch.
You best do as God says
'Cause payback is a bitch.
32:6
If the children they be foolish,
If the children be unwise,
If they forget what Moses told 'em,
Then punch 'em in the eyes.
32:7
My grampa he done told me,
As I was sittin' on his lap.
God told us where to live,
And he drew it on a map.
32:9
When God he first found Jacob,
He was sleeping on the sand.
So God paid up his mortgage,
And he promised him more land.
Now Jacob he was skinny,
And starved till nearly dead.
God fed him milk and honey,
And steak and cheesey bread.
32:15
Some people they were wicked,
They wandered from the trail.
But God got really angry
When the people worshiped Baal.
At first our God got jealous,
And came down as a cloud.
He fried us with some fireballs,
And said no Baal allowed.
32:23
He shot us full of arrows,
Gave us famine and disease.
He called us worthless bastards
And sent snakes to bite our knees.
He stabbed us with a sword,
Both babies and the old.
He took away our britches,
And left us in the cold.
32:32
Now God remembers Sodom,
Like a batch of rotten wine.
The thought still makes him angry,
Says "the vengeance will be mine."
32:36
Now God will help his favorites,
And make his people strong.
He’ll help them rape and pillage,
As if they do no wrong.
32:42
But if you make him angry,
He won’t be sending flood.
Our God has weird ass weapons,
That want to drink your blood.
His sword will eat your flesh,
And then cut off your head.
The rest of us will party,
When we see that you are dead.
Choog chooga chooga,
Doo whoppa doo.
Choog chooga chooga,
Doo whoppa doo. (repeat)
33:1 Moses sort of half-assed blessed the tribes one last time and made sure that everyone understood clearly that Joshua was to be their new theocratic dictator.
Then Moses went up on the mountain, gazed out over the valley very briefly, and he keeled over dead.
The mighty Yahweh himself came down from outer space and buried Moses in a
super secret grave that no one has ever been able to find. The tribes mourned for about a month.
34:10 No prophet has ever come along who had the balls to talk to Yahweh face to face the way Moses did.
